Before we talk about unlearning beauty standards, let’s explore what they truly mean, both personally and in society. Like most girls, I’ve struggled with insecurities fostered by the idealized “standards.”

I see beauty standards in two ways:

1. Physical characteristics that the majority of people possess. 
2. Physical characteristics that the media portrays.

When you think of this phrase, depending on where you are in any part of the world, you’ve probably visualized a certain figure of a woman or a man depending on what you’re exposed to from any of the points that I’ve mentioned above. Seeing these people, there was a phase where I tried to look like them.

In my case in the Philippines, when I was younger, I’ve straightened my hair to the point of damage; used exfoliating salt baths every other day (yikes); and eventually disrupted my skin because I wanted to be those flawless girls that I saw on TV. I wanted to be those edgy, fashionable girls from Tumblr (right?!)

Until YouTube and Instagram happened, and influencers became one of the standards. 

I wanted to be one of them. Or at least look like them.

At one point, I had that. I was able to achieve that and be what I thought was my “most confident” phase. But what I had was a shield of validation and compliments. It was a safe space for a while.

Fast forward to today, I don’t know when the switch happened, but bear with me as I tell you what I observed as I was growing up:

Some days I see a group of friends or people that strangely look the same (but not exactly identical). Others remind me of people that I see on the screen. Like they’re a perfect replica of somebody.

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Then I meet people or discover a person that’s truly remarkable because they carry themselves in a certain way. It could be their body language, the way they engage, or what they talk about.

Do you remember those particular types of people and think how cool and awesome they are?

I’m almost embarrassed to admit it, but whenever I discover people like this, I find myself deep-diving into their journey. Curious about what shaped them into who they are today.

And you know what’s crazy? I can barely remember the names of the people I once wanted to look like. But I clearly remember those who left a lasting impression because of their innate character, not just how they looked.

And came the realization that I want what they have. I want to exude that confidence.

When it’s deeper than body confidence

My perception was limited to body confidence. For me, it was about vanity, photos, and outward appearance. I thought that if I became what people deemed as “attractive”, my self-esteem would be through the roof. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s the reason that you do it for what matters most.

According to the 2010 Dove Global Study, 6 out of 10 girls avoid activities they love or that would benefit them because they feel bad about their appearance (Free Being Me).

And while caring for your overall appearance is psychologically effective for you to ease into your activities and go through what you have to do with a little less effort, it’s important to recognize that body confidence is not all that.

In my case, even though I try to look my best, I always try too hard. I was still full of social anxiety and I was the worst critic of myself. 

“Does my butt look too big in this pants?”

“My hair is already showing waves.”

“My belly rolls are showing in this shirt.”

Inherently not that big of a deal as I read it, but how awful I was! I was constantly comparing myself to the people I tried to imitate.

The radiance of competence

I learned this whole bit from Mel Robbins’ podcast, and I’ll say this without exaggeration: it was life-changing.

There’s not just “body confidence”, there’s also confidence that you can build over time by increasing your competence. It’s your ability to fail so many times in something for the sake of continuously improving until you get better, people respect you, and you have a heightened sense of self-accomplishment. 

And while looking good just as everyone else is nice, Mel Robbins couldn’t have said it better,

 “You’d rather be respected than be liked”. How mind-shifting. 

This isn’t negating anxieties. Confidence isn’t necessarily dismissing your worries that you’ll mess up. It’s not about riding your high horse or becoming extroverted. It’s not about waking up one day and you’re the best person in your field or that hobby. You can be an introvert and be confident. It’s a skill that you build over time by your willingness to try despite failures to be the person that you want to be because VOILA – 

It gets easier.

Ways to build your confidence

A 2013 World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts (WAGGGS) study across 70 countries found that 45% of respondents believed low body confidence held girls back from leadership roles (Free Being Me).

It’s about time that we have an internal shift.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I acting according to who I really am?
2. Are my actions leaning toward the person that I want to become?

If your answers are unfavorable to these questions. Assess the following in your environment:

Are my social media accounts good for me?

Photo by Magnus Mueller

I stand by this. Simply applying the food analogy of “you become what you eat” to “you become what you consume.” Social media is a double-edged sword, it’s either beneficial or detrimental depending on how you use it. Do you follow people who share common interests for your personal growth? May it be for fitness, study methods, work-life balance, etc. 

It’s either you follow the right people or remove anyone who doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. Have a social media detox. Start from scratch. Use social media for productivity and not as a hobby or source of rest.

Am I in the right circle?

Photo by Mikhail Nilov

This is more of an interpersonal observation. Some of you might not be able to fully understand, but as you age, you will recognize that not all of your relationships are imposing a positive impact on your life (may it be a friend or a relative).

Sure, there are long-time friends who are also figuring their way out in life, but this is about you. You don’t have to completely cut off everyone unless you want to. Think about approaching people in a way that you do when you’re on a diet. You have more of what’s best for you, and you still have days that you run off course. 

Hang out with some of your old-time friends once in a while, but also build your circle and network with the right people who can teach you things. Be a student, and be mentored on things that you want to navigate with competence.

Am I doing my best?

Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

This should cover every aspect of your decision-making. Sometimes, our thoughts and emotions get the better of us. 

I still go through the constant struggle of trying to get up in the morning, workout, and squeeze all the urge to exert all physical activities that I can manage before I settle down to write, as I know that that’ll be the most movement that I’ll do in a day. Even though I knew I needed it, it should be easy. But the dissonance is trying to overpower what is right.

Another example is I might crave fries, but even if I try to think “Have a bit… just a little bit and that’s it,” I know it’s not the day to eat those Frenchies. 

Sometimes it could feel like your whole system is a village that carries you to push yourself. Because there’s no other way around it. You are your only competition towards achieving the person that you envision.

Unlearning Beauty Standards

Hence, self-acceptance and self-improvement can coexist. The pressure to conform to all trending “fashion statements” should resonate with who you are as a person, from the way you do your makeup, to skincare that you can afford at best, to surgery that boosts your self-esteem regardless of reasons- not because society shows you that those standards are the norm. But because they’re unique to you.  

Whenever you feel like you’re not at your best, as long as you’re consistent with developing your skills, gradual internal fulfillment will reflect on you outwardly. At the end of the day, your looks can only be remembered up to a point, because you will leave a lasting impression based on who you are and what you do.